Understanding gaslighting can set you free

This subtle form of manipulation is frequently used to target Highly Sensitive People, but we're getting better at naming it for what it is.

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When I read on Monday that the Merriam-Webster’s word of 2022 was “gaslighting,” I was as delighted as I was surprised.

In the broadest sense, gaslighting means grossly misleading somebody, especially to take advantage of them.

But that basic definition doesn’t quite capture what the term is really trying to convey: The way abusive people control others by subtly causing them to question their perceptions of reality — whilst acting completely innocent.

Working with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), I’ve noticed how often we can be subject to this kind of manipulation — and how liberating it can be to name it for what it is.

If you think you may be being gaslit, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is the person trying to dominate and assert control over you?

2. Is what they are saying untrue?

3. Are they shaming, humiliating and bullying you?

If the answers are yes, then please read on.

Loss of confidence

The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 play called Gas Light, written by the British novelist Patrick Hamilton, which was adapted into a 1944 American film starring Ingrid Bergman. The play is set in fog-bound Victorian London, where a husband’s mysterious activities in the attic cause the gaslights to dim — but he tells his wife she’s only imagining the effect. Over time, the wife starts to believe his lies, and question her sanity.

Here’s the Merriam-Webster definition of the kind of gaslighting shown in the film — which precisely describes the kind of control tactics I so often see used on my clients by their partners, bosses, family members and friends:

“…psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

I’ve seen first-hand how this kind of abuse can be absolutely devastating, chipping away at a person’s confidence, self-esteem and trust in their intuition — every HSP’s greatest superpower.

The problem with gaslighting is that — by its very nature — it can be very subtle and hard to spot. It’s easy to tell ourselves we’re imagining things, and let it go on for a very long time, all the while feeling like we can’t quite put our finger on what’s wrong.

If we’re going to have an HSP Revolution, we need to learn to spot this behaviour and draw clear boundaries to protect ourselves and keep the perpetrators at bay.

How gaslighting works

Anyone can engage in gaslighting, but it’s a favourite tactic for people with a heavy concentration of narcissistic or sociopathic personality traits. Unfortunately, these personality styles are often over-represented among those in positions of power, particularly in corporations or other institutions.

Such people often seem to have a primal, but largely unconscious, ability to sense our vulnerabilities and insecurities, so they know exactly how to push our buttons — time and time again.

That’s an important feature of gaslighting: It’s not a one-off event. It’s a systematic, process that the perpetrator repeats until you start to inhabit their fantasy version of reality because you’ve lost confidence in what you know to be true. The psychological consequences of this shift are hard to over-state: You begin to abandon yourself, and lose your sense of who you are.

Gaslighting can be very common in the workplace. It can happen, for example, when you’re being undermined and excluded, and your confidence and productivity is starting to suffer — but your boss tells you that you’re reading too much into a situation, or that you’re being too sensitive.

A supervisor could also gaslight you by giving you a task to do and later saying that you were not assigned it, or claiming they never received a presentation from you, even though you can see it in your outbox. Now you’re the one on the phone to the IT department, trying to work out why some of your emails are not getting through.   

Or you’ve asked about a pay rise, and your boss repeatedly assures you that they are taking action, and you hear….crickets.

Whether at work or in our personal lives, gaslighting can take many different forms, but here are some telltale statements often used by the perpetrators:

• You’re too sensitive

• You can’t take a joke

• You’re reading too much into the situation

• You’re overreacting

• That’s not what I meant

• You’re being paranoid

• That never happened

• I never said that

• You need to get help

• What do you want me to say?

• Why are you always so jealous?

• Are you okay?

• You’re imagining it

• Deal with it

Blame-shifting

Another integral feature of gaslighting is blame-shifting — which happens when a person who is caught in acts of dishonesty, deception or betrayal deflects the blame back on to you, instead of holding themselves accountable. Gaslighting always implies that you are in the wrong — and the gaslighter is always right.

That means that if you confront somebody for gaslighting you, the chances are that you will suddenly find yourself apologising to them. They blame-shift by dismissing and ridiculing you; accusing you of over-reacting or being too sensitive, or lacking a sense of humour. They deflect scrutiny by making the conversation all about your reaction — not their behaviour. Blame-shifting is always about asserting control over you in the moment: The goal is to make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

A classic example: A partner who is caught having an affair tells the other person that it’s their fault because they spend so much time working that they don’t provide enough affection. The focus has shifted from the concrete fact of the betrayal to a vague assertion suggesting that the other person is to blame.

When others join in

When we’re being gaslit, it’s amazing how other people — even those who consider themselves our friends and supporters — may unwittingly collude.

For example, you tell your “nice” people-pleasing colleague about how you’ve been subjected to a tirade of vindictive comments by a manager who always makes sure to put on a pleasant face in group meetings. Your colleague says: “Oh really? She’s always been really nice to me — are you sure?” You’ve been gaslit all over again.

Or you confide in your mother about your husband’s increasingly controlling behaviour toward you after he had an affair, and your feelings of being trapped, betrayed and overwhelmed. Your mother replies: “I’m sure you two can work through this bad patch. He’s always been such a great, loving guy and you two are so good together. Every marriage has problems at some point, and it’s always difficult after having kids. You just need to communicate with him and be honest about how you’re feeling.” Gaslit again.

Why HSPs can be magnets for gaslighting

The template for the gaslighting we experience as adults is laid down as we’re growing up.

As HSPs, we perceive the world differently. We notice subtle details and hidden patterns. Our everyday experience of our emotional lives, outer reality and inner world can have an intensity that the majority of people may only rarely taste.

And — though it may never be spoken overtly — this can make us very threatening.

Many of us will have noticed early on that the way we perceived the world wasn’t shared, nor necessarily welcomed, by the authority figures around us, or the culture at large.

We may have had parents or teachers who told us that we were “too sensitive,” or insisted that we were over-reacting when we felt overwhelmed by situations for reasons the adults around us couldn’t understand: “Ah, she’s just imagining it. She’s just a child after all.”

At the extreme, we may have had a parent who rewrote history or denied certain incidents or events to make themselves right: “Don’t be silly that never happened! You’re wrong, you must have dreamed it.” Or if there was a separation, perhaps one parent attempted to gaslight us by manipulating our perceptions of the other.

We may have grown up feeling crazy, weird, different or even broken.

This made us different.

And that difference can lead us to doubt ourselves.

But we were never wrong.

It was just that we could see things that others couldn’t.

That led us to challenge cozy assumptions and question the status quo. And that could make people close to us feel very uncomfortable. They found it easier to dismiss our experience, or attempt to shut us down, rather than hear what we had to say.

That would have been especially tempting for people carrying heavy loads of buried anger, fear, grief or shame. They might not have been conscious of how they were avoiding those unwanted feelings — but at some level they could sense that we could perceive what was going on behind their facade. Perhaps they resorted to gaslighting us to try to make it seem as if we’d lost touch with reality — when in fact it was they who had been running away from reality all along.

The fact that our ability to see through situations and people can be so confronting for others can exacerbate our HSP tendency to question ourselves and our judgement. Over the years, we may have lost trust in our intuition, and given in to self-doubt — leaving us even more vulnerable to gaslighting.

And our natural HSP tendencies to engage in people-pleasing and rescuing may have caused us to over-ride our own instincts to avoid conflicts — so we shy away from naming gaslighting for what it is.

After all this second guessing, part of us might have even have secretly begun to wonder if we really were going crazy, after all.

And that doubt will make us magnets for gaslighters until we face it, own it, and integrate it, and learn to trust ourselves again.

How to avoid being gaslit

The first step to avoid being a target is to recognise what a gift it is to perceive the world differently.

I work with HSPs from many different backgrounds, facing many different challenges, but the thread that unites them all is the sense of relief they feel when they realise that they are not “weird” — but that their nervous systems are wired to experience the world differently. Recognising that high sensitivity is increasingly a topic of international academic research can also prove immensely validating.

As you embrace the strengths that come with high sensitivity more fully, it’s easier to start putting in boundaries with people who may try to manipulate you, by gaslighting you or otherwise. Here are are some suggestions:

Learn more about yourself and the trait of high sensitivity: There are many books, podcasts and newsletters — not least The HSP Revolution — designed to give you a deeper understanding of yourself as an HSP. That knowledge can help you develop greater trust in your perceptions, and recognise when people are trying to undermine your understanding of what you know to be true.

Cultivate your intuition: So many of the HSPs I work with feel like they’ve lost contact with their intuition and their ability to discern right from wrong, beacuse they’ve lost trust in themselves. Learn to tune into the way you body feels when  somebody is speaking with you, and what your “yes” and your “no” feels like. Our gut communicates to us through our body: Learn to tell when something doesn’t feel right.

Let go of needing approval from others: The real healing begins when we learn to accept ourselves, without needing validation and approval.

Grieve: Being subjected to sustained gaslighting can cost us dearly: It’s healthy and natural to grieve what happened. Take the opportunity to grieve all the other times when you’ve been made to feel wrong in the past, and where you gave your power away. Grieving in this way can help us release the past, and step into a wiser, more empowered and discerning future.  

Practice self-compassion: HSP are prone to internalising problems, and we often blame ourselves for tolerating gaslighting — which seems so obvious with the benefit of hindsight.  If you have been targeted by a gaslighter, resist the temptation to blame yourself. Gaslighting is incredibly insidious and it can happen to anyone. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would a friend in the same situation.

Seek support: If you are still in a relationship or work situation where you are being gaslit, it’s important to seek support, perhaps from a therapist or coach who understands the effect this form of manipulation can have.

Thanks for reading a long newsletter — on a topic close to my heart.

Have a safe and boundaried weekend,