The Myth of Normal

Gabor Maté's new book is a must-read for highly sensitives.

Coming soon: The HSP Revolution online community to support your journey of empowerment as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

I’ve been a huge fan of Dr Gabor Maté since about a decade ago, when I first began listening to his YouTube talks on childhood brain development.

It was in one of those early videos that I first heard the term “orchid” — coined by the pediatrician Dr Thomas Boyce to describe Highly Sensitive Children. Delving deeper, I in turn discovered the work of Dr Elaine Aron, the pioneer of high sensitivity research — which would ultimately lead me to launch The HSP Revolution a year ago. So it’s fair to say that you’re reading these words in large part due to Gabor.

Compassion personified

The Canadian-Hungarian psychiatrist’s new book The Myth of Normal does a remarkable job of synthesizing his decades of clinical experience to show how we have effectively “normalised” the frequently traumatic circumstances of modern life — at great cost to our mental well-being, emotional lives, relationships and health.

Anyone who wants to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and society at large will benefit hugely from this book. It’s hard to imagine a more compassionate, wiser and intelligent companion on the healing journey than the reassuringly craggy-faced Gabor. Naturally, I approached the Myth of Normal through the lens of high sensitivity — and I’m convinced that it will prove particularly valuable for HSPs.

Dr Gabor Maté

Childhood needs

It would be impossible to summarise all the 502-page book has to offer in a single edition of The HSP Revolution, but one of the key themes resonated so deeply that I wanted to take a moment to explore it further.

Gabor notes that we tend to think of childhood trauma in terms of terrible things that happened to us: Chronic domestic violence, addictions or physical, emotional or sexual abuse. But he’s adamant that this definition is too narrow: We need to recognise that we can also suffer trauma as a result of what didn’t happen — when our inherent childhood needs for attachment and authenticity weren’t met. Gabor writes:

"Children, especially highly sensitive children, can be wounded in multiple ways: By bad things happening, yes, but also by good things not happening, such as their emotional needs for attunement not being met, or the experience of not being seen and accepted, even by loving parents.”¹

One of the most striking passages in the book is where Gabor notes that:

“…the unfolding of human potential is spontaneous but not inevitable....We all grow older but we don't all grow up.”²

The problem begins with society’s frequent failure to grasp the needs of the developing child. Gabor quotes Canadian developmental psychologist Dr Gordon Neufeld’s eloquent summary of what all young ones — whatever their temperament — need first and foremost:

“Children must feel an invitation to exist in our presence, exactly the way they are."³

It follows, Gabor says, that the parents’ primary task, beyond providing for the child's survival, is to:

“Emanate a simple message to the child in word, deed, and (most of all) energetic presence, that he or she is precisely the person they love, welcome, and want. The child doesn’t have to do anything, or be any different, to win that love — in fact, cannot do anything, because this abiding embrace cannot be earned, nor can it be revoked. It doesn't depend on the child's behaviour or personality; it is just there, whether the child is showing up as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ ‘naughty’ or ‘nice.’”⁴

Making connections

The dilemma many HSPs face is that we may have been raised by very loving and supportive parents who nevertheless struggled to make us feel seen and accepted in the way Gabor describes. Convinced that we grew up in a “normal,” happy home, we may find it very challenging to identify the lasting influence of these deficits in our adult lives.

But there’s good news here as well: If we can find the right support to begin to understand how these unmet needs have shaped our patterns in adult relationships, we can regain the power to choose to live more in alignment with our true, authentic selves. As Gabor puts it in the below video interview with The Skoll Foundation:

“Even though you weren’t overtly hurt, you’re still wounded by not having your essential human needs met…If that was the trauma of what happened to you, guess what? It will never unhappen. But if trauma is what happened inside you; the wound that you sustained; the meaning you made of it; the way you then came to believe certain things about yourself, or the world, or other people; and if trauma was that disconnection from your authentic self, well guess what? Good news: That can be restored at any moment.”

What I love most about my work is supporting HSPs to reconnect with that authentic core — and I’ll soon be launching The HSP Revolution online community to provide a supportive environment where we can help each other to do just that.

I very much hope that you’re finding Gabor’s books and talks as profound, thought-provoking and inspiring as I am, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

See you next week,

1. p. 23

2. p.126-127

3. p. 127

4. p. 127