HSPs and "The System"

Are you a rebel, negotiator, prisoner or reformer?

Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).

Let’s talk about a dilemma that readers of The HSP Revolution might recognise.

As a sensitive, your skills are much in demand. Companies and other organisations find lots of ways to harness your creativity, attention to detail, conscientious attitude and ability to see the big picture. Your empathy and listening skills mean you’re well-liked in the office. Bosses can see the contribution you make (even if they don’t always acknowledge it), and you could comfortably rise up the ladder in your chosen field. And maybe you choose to do just that.

But there’s something else that niggles — even if you can’t quite name it. While lots of people seem content — eager, even — to follow the tracks laid out in front of them, some part of you is reluctant to pursue the conventional path. We’re perfectly capable of attaining the conventional markers of success — a script of status and security programmed into us since childhood. But some deep part of ourselves knows that these markers won’t bring us lasting happiness in the way that we’ve been told.

Many readers of The HSP Revolution may have opted for a more independent career, perhaps in coaching, therapy, design or the arts — fields where sensitives naturally thrive. Self-employment can come with its own challenges — particularly in terms of finding the community and camaraderie that good workplaces provide. This week, however, I’m writing particularly for those HSPs working in large organisations who are yearning for something more.

Push-pull

I’ve spent many hours coaching clients who find themselves stuck in a kind of push-pull situation — reluctant to sacrifice the salary, structure and perks of a regular job, but feeling hungry to deploy their talents in some new arena — perhaps one that aligns more fully with their values. It may be that we’ve felt this tension for a long time without naming it — and even admitting to ourselves that there’s a restless part inside can be a source of relief. We feel we’re not living our full potential, but we’re scared of taking a risk — particularly in the precarious times we’re living in.

Don’t worry: I’m not about to tell you to quit your job or do anything rash (though if you’re ready for a big move, that can be great for some). My intention is not even to help guide you to an “answer.” The goal today is more modest: To help you to shed more light on the place where the question lives inside of you. By holding this questing part of ourselves a little more tenderly, we may discover new insights — and perhaps new options. We may choose to bring a little more creativity into our life, or devote more energy to what Thomas Moore calls “Care of the Soul.”

So let’s take a moment to explore some of the issues that come up when we work in what I’ll call “The System” — used here as shorthand for the world of mainstream employment. As always, I love to hear about your experiences in the comments.

Parental influences

So many of us grew up in families where we were encouraged to make security and status a priority. Parents might have pushed us towards certain careers, or continue to question our work choices long after we’ve left home.

My house was different. I was raised by my grand-parents, who always emphasised the advantages of finding a way to earn a living outside The System. My grand-dad, whom I adored, suffered a breakdown due to the poor treatment he received while working for a big company but began to thrive after quitting to start a business with my nan. Hearing about his experience left a big impression on me. But it’s only been in more recent years that I’ve found the confidence to pursue my own path.

As a clinical psychologist, the natural thing would have been for me to rise up the ranks of the National Health Service or a private practice in the City — running small teams, then progressing to larger management roles overseeing bigger and bigger services. Peers of mine are now in some pretty big jobs. But I was always reluctant to take on managerial positions — knowing they would take me away from the one-to-one work I love.

When my daughter was born, I took time to be with her, and realised during the pandemic that I could deliver coaching work online as effectively as in-person. After years of yo-yoing in and out of jobs, I finally became fully self-employed — and I now really value the freedom it brings, despite the uncertainties. But I recognise that for many other HSPs, life is more complicated. We all need to find a place in the world, to achieve financial security, and make a contribution. The System may have a lot to offer in these departments, and there may be pathways through it that answer very precisely to our needs and values — or at least, many of them.

Rebel, negotiator, prisoner, reformer

It seems like a paradox: HSPs are equipped to do very well in the workplace — and yet often rebel against the very institutions in which they are most likely to succeed.

I believe that’s simply because HSPs are designed to be this way. We’re the innovators, pioneers and visionaries whose role it is to shake things up, or find new ways of doing things. We love big, bold ideas and if anyone at work is liable to use the phrase “new paradigm,” it’ll be one of us. And if we’re High Sensation Seekers, we may be more liable to throw away what seems like a safety net to chase our dream.

We may be empathic and sometimes fall into people pleasing — but we’re also very clear-eyed about what’s going wrong in the world, and why. We can all see that a big part of the reason we’re facing so many global crises is that the status quo is no longer sustainable. As Bill McKibben, the American writer and activist, said of the climate crisis: “Business as usual is what’s doing us in.” Something has to give.

As HSPs, we feel this realisation in our core — and that can make it difficult to invest ourselves too deeply in serving in roles that don’t have much meaning to us. When it comes to The System, I’m guessing that HSPs fall into four main categories, though there may well be others:

• Rebels: Those of us who turned our backs on The System to forge our own path. (I see myself on this path since I’ve been self-employed).

• Negotiators: Those of us who duck in and out of conventional jobs — staying connected enough to be able to retain a foot in the “normal” world, while exploring our deeper interests on the side. (I was in this category for many years).

• Prisoners: Some of us feel trapped — despairing of hopes of changing our work environment, but not sure how to navigate to a more satisfying and rewarding set-up, while still paying the bills. We may find ourselves complaining a lot about injustice at work, or experience micro-managing or bullying. (I’ve certainly felt like this at times).

• Reformers: Many of us are choosing to try to reform The System from within. (During my clinical psychology training, we were very much encouraged to view ourselves as change-makers — but told that we’d struggle to make an impact alone, and would be much more likely to succeed if we banded together with others with similar values).

The Void

There’s nothing better or worse about any particular relationship with The System — what’s important is how far you’re living in alignment with your essence.

Some of us are fortunate, and find a way to express that essence through our work more easily than others. But for many of us, it can feel like an ongoing tension — involving encounters with insecurity or disappointment. At its most extreme, such periods can feel like we’ve slipped into a void where we long for the certainties provided by our old professional identity — and a new one can feel very slow to form.

Whatever stage you’re at, here’s a few principles to bear in mind:

• Acceptance — Our minds can get very hung up on what we think “should” be happening — or “shouldn’t” have happened. This kind of thinking keeps us trapped in repetitive loops. The author Thomas Huebl likes to say: “What’s in the way, is the way.” In other words, we approach whatever situation we’re in as if it is supposed to be this way. That doesn’t mean we don’t work towards change — but we start from a place of acceptance, rather than resistance that can make us feel even more stuck.

• Alchemise your envy — We might not like to admit that we envy somebody else — even to ourselves. But if we catch ourselves comparing, we can glean insights about what we really want. Keep a diary of what you envy — and you’ll soon discover the potentials lying dormant within yourself.

• Start small — We might dream of quitting The System once and for all in some grand gesture, but it helps to take small steps. If you’re feeling drained and frustrated at work, make an extra effort to nurture your creativity in your spare time — without letting yourself get too attached to any outcome. Doing something purely because you enjoy it — and with no particular result in mind — can be a powerful antidote to our culture’s focus on achievement. Coming into the moment in this way can open space for new inspiration to arise.

• Talk it through — As HSPs, we like to analyse our options deeply. This can have its advantages — but we’re prone to getting paralysed by indecision. Finding a trusted person to talk things over with can help break the cycle.

There’s no right or wrong here — we’re all having a unique experience, and learning our individual lessons. What’s important is having the courage to be as honest with ourselves as we can about where we stand in relation to The System — and asking what changes we might make — large or small — to express more of our authentic self. As always, that work is so much easier in community — and I hope The HSP Revolution will provide a source of inspiration and companionship as you walk your path.

See you next week!