Natural-born listeners
How to stay present as somebody works through difficult emotions.
Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People.
If there’s one thing Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) excel at, it’s the art of listening.
Our empathy, skill in reading subtle cues, and attunement to others’ needs mean we’re often called on to provide support. At the same time, we can easily take on too much of another person’s energy and end up feeling drained.
It’s a dilemma that applies to one of the great HSP superpowers: the ability to stay fully present with somebody, or a group of people, as they work through difficult emotions. I’ll refer to that skill here as “holding space.”1
Mega-meltdown
I had an impromptu opportunity to practice last week, when my four-year-old daughter had an epic meltdown near the school gates. She was so obviously overwhelmed that one of the passing mums was kind enough to offer me a few supportive words. With my daughter’s screams and tears seeming like they would never end, my heart pounded and my blood pressure felt like it had shot up by 150%.
Not long ago, I might have succumbed to the urge to shout back at her. But I’ve learned the hard way that me getting stressed only makes the situation worse. When my daughter’s nervous system is dysregulated, she can’t take in what I’m saying. Even trying to validate her feelings by saying “I can see you’re angry right now,” or putting a gentle hand out to comfort her, will only trigger more crying.
I now focus simply on being as fully present as I can. By keeping my facial expression friendly and warm, speaking with an even tone, and relaxing my body language, I find her system naturally begins to calm down. This isn’t easy when my daughter’s really upset. So I remind myself to focus on breathing deeply as I feel into a response.
Powerful medicine
It’s an approach I practice with many of my coaching clients who are struggling to manage the intense emotional reactions of their Highly Sensitive Children. Last week’s meltdown reminded me that the same principles apply to any form of space-holding: from supporting a struggling partner or elderly parents, to stressed-out colleagues or a teenager studying for exams.
As with so many aspects of managing your energy as an HSP, the key is balance. The act of deep, non-judgmental listening is powerful medicine. But our space-holding will become counter-productive if we wear ourselves down.
What I’ve noticed is that the more work I do to clear out layers of buried emotion from my own body, the more I can stay present with somebody else. Inner work of this kind is a lifelong process. Nevertheless, I hope the below pointers will prove useful as you refine your own space-holding skills — and I’d love to hear your own tips and reflections in the comments.
Be intentional — As you begin, silently set an intention to be of the highest service you can to the person or group.
Stay rooted — While listening, keep some of your focus within your own body. Pay attention to any reactions arising within you, and notice if you’re getting triggered. Breathing slowly and deeply from the belly really helps.
Attune — By staying aware of our own internal state, we can attune to another person from the heart and gut — as well as the head. We pay attention to their words — but also their body language, their tone of voice, rhythm of speech and the energy in the space between us. As the renowned psychiatrist Dr Dan Siegel explains:
“When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.” — Dr Dan Siegel2
Welcome messiness — When people feel safe, their system may begin to release suppressed emotion — often through tears. I rejoice when I see somebody cracking open and truly sobbing: it shows we’re starting to clear out old emotion.
Don’t fix — Approach space-holding as walking alongside someone with compassion: We’re not trying to change them or solve their problems. We’re here to provide the experience of being fully heard and fully seen. If we go into rescue mode, the other person might feel even more alone. Instead, show the person you trust their own innate intelligence to lead them where they need to go.
Resist the temptation to share your own experience — The magic of this process is not in what you say — it’s in your depth of presence. There may be times when you can say helpful things — but be wary of any urge to share your own story or bring the conversation back to you. Keep your own issues separate.
Build a support network — If we’re holding a lot of space for others, then we need somebody to return the favour. As HSPs, we tend to put our own needs last. But we can only serve others if we also have places where we can go for support.
There’s a lot more to be said on holding space — so please do share your experiences below. I love reading responses to these posts.
Talking confidence with Rose Latham
Last Thursday, I really enjoyed taking part in this 30-minute video chat on Instagram with coach Rose Latham on building confidence. We talked about topics including:
Our epidemic of low-self worth
The link between confidence and being embodied
The difference between true confidence and wearing a mask
Building confidence through inner work
Thanks for reading The HSP Revolution!
See you next week,
The term “holding space” is not generally used in clinical psychology. I encountered it after completing my training and exploring various forms of group work and ceremony during a years-long healing journey that led me far out of mainstream psychology.
This is such a useful and beautifully put reminder… Thank you so much for this 💖