Who do I tell?

Be discerning when sharing your epiphanies on the road of high sensitivity.

Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).

“That’s me!”

For some people, it’s as if a key has turned.

For others, the realisation moves them to tears.

Perhaps you’re one of those Highly Sensitive People (HSP) who can remember the exact moment when you grasped that the term applies to you.

It’s no exaggeration to say that some of my clients have been overjoyed to learn that the traits that they’d always considered as weird, weak, or even shameful, are actually part of a recognisable set of characteristics — and increasingly the subject of scientific validation and research.

Of course, sensitivity exists on a spectrum. Everyone is sensitive to some degree, but there are some people who are born with more finely tuned nervous systems, with measurable biological markers. The key question is whether the knowledge that a substantial subset of people share HSP traits such as deep processing of emotions and sensory input, or elevated empathy, intuition and creativity, helps you to understand yourself better.

Wherever you are in your own process, I wanted to reflect a little further on what I’ve seen coming up for people as they’ve recognised themselves as HSPs; and the question of who — if anyone — you should tell.

Big umbrella

Many people only need to hear a short explanation of the work of Dr Elaine Aron, the American psychologist who coined the term HSP in 1996, to instantly recognise themselves. But many of us approach with caution. Although being highly sensitive is a healthy, innate personality trait, it may be that the word “sensitive” had negative associations with being labelled as “too emotional” or “overly sensitive” when we were young.

Others question whether they really “qualify” as an HSP. Many clients tell me that they experience classic HSP traits — such as feeling deeply, being observant, and having a busy, analytical mind — but that they don’t experience as much of the sensory sensitivity to noise, lights or scent that can set other HSPs apart.

It’s worth bearing in mind that there’s a lot of variation within the estimated 30% of the population who would score highly enough on sensitivity tests to be classed as HSPs. It’s estimated that HSPs divide 50/50 between men and women; that 70% are introverts and 30% extraverts; and that 30% of all HSPs are High Sensation Seekers forever in search of new experiences, adventures and stimulation.

Regardless of your specific situation, the recognition that you’re an HSP can often help the parts of your life that have always puzzled you suddenly fall into place.

You might have always felt different deep inside, or recognised that you’re more responsive to your environment, or approach tasks in a unique way, but never had a coherent framework to explain why.

Some people find the HSP concept so revelatory that they begin to avidly read or listen to any resource they can get their hands on — not least because a typical HSP loves to delve deeply into new topics and research every detail.

It’s also very common for HSPs to recognise just how far they have suppressed their sensitivity to survive childhood, school or work — and there can be considerable fear and resistance as they feel the call of inner transformation knocking at their door. Likewise, there can be feelings of overwhelm as HSPs realise how far they have compromised themselves to suit other people — and they feel like they don’t know how to begin integrating this new level of self-knowledge into their daily lives.

Grief or sadness can come up as HSPs look back at the way they’d learned to sacrifice their sensitivity to fit in, and remember times when they were misunderstood, played small, apologised unnecessarily or said “yes” when they had actually meant “no.”

Others are simply surprised and grateful for the realisation that a growing body of evidence from research psychology and neuroscience is confirming what they had always suspected: there was something different about them, and that their vulnerabilities and their gifts always danced hand-in-hand.

Discernment

If learning about HSPs has been a Eureka moment for you, it can be tempting to rush out and share your new-found insights with as many people as you can.

Caution is advised.

It’s important to be discerning, and check in with yourself before you start a conversation about high sensitivity, to ensure you’re sharing with someone you can trust.

I’ve worked with many HSPs who’ve discovered this concept and started telling parents, in-laws, teachers, partners or friends, only to find they’re unable to receive this information in an open-minded way. It can be very deflating to receive a judgmental or sceptical response to a set of realisations that have started to genuinely change your life.

Bear in mind that there are some people who’re going to be open, and others who aren’t. It’s good to try to connect, but we need to accept that some people aren’t ready to hear new information. This resistance often contains a great deal of fear. Some people might be able to sense the seed of transformational potential contained in the HSP concept and feel wary. Others may worry that this new-found knowledge will change you — and their relationship with you — in unpredictable ways.

I would say that one of the safest ways to approach the topic is by citing the growing body of scientific research associated with high sensitivity. The fact that the field is increasingly the subject of academic study in major universities can make even the most dismissive audience take note. The HSP Revolution interviewed Professor Michael Pluess of Queen Mary University of London, one of the leading lights in sensitivity research, back in March — and it’s worth revisiting that edition for some great insights. I’ve included some more links below to some key HSP research and resources, so if you’re preparing to speak to anyone else about your growing understanding of the field, you’ll have some solid information in hand.

And I’d love to hear about how you felt when you learned that you were an HSP — and how other people reacted — in the comments.

See you next week!

Useful links:

1. Dr Elaine Aron’s various books (The Highly Sensitive Person, The Highly Sensitive Child) and website 

2. Professor Michael Pluess’s sensitivity research team at Queen Mary’s University of London. 

3. Dr Bianca Acevedo, neuroscientist at the University of California Santa Barbara, researching the highly sensitive brain.

4.  The Orchid and the Dandelion by Dr Thomas Boyce, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California San Francisco.

5. And here is a previous edition of The HSP Revolution featuring six essential authors on sensitivity.