Owning your No
It's a powerful word. So why do so many HSPs struggle to say it?
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Do you often say yes when you actually mean no?
Do you find yourself automatically agreeing to requests for favours; social invitations, or extra work tasks before you’ve even had a chance to think?
Perhaps some of the below sound familiar:
Yes, I’ll meet you for dinner (even though you’re feeling drained and under the weather and know it would be better for you to stay in and have an early night).
Yes, I’ll work overtime (even though it always seems to fall on you to take on extra tasks, while other colleagues go home early).
Yes, I’ll babysit this Friday night (even though you’re absolutely exhausted and find your sister-in-law’s children taxing to care for).
Helping people with a happy, joyful heart is one thing.
But if you continually find yourself saying yes to requests from friends, family and colleagues that you really don’t have the energy, time or capacity to fulfill, then you can end up feeling resentful, powerless, overwhelmed and burned out.
Nobody wants to disappoint or upset other people, or hurt their feelings. But constantly trying to please others — especially if we’re acting from a place of guilt — can cause us to neglect our own needs and harm our health.
People Pleasing
In my work with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), I have been struck by how many of us struggle to say no.
When we do manage to say no, it can be followed by intense feelings of fear, worry, anxiety or shame. Our minds may go into overdrive, analysing how others perceive us, or ruminating over all the reasons we “should’ be doing something.
It’s human nature to seek approval, love and validation. But when our need to please leaves us feeling exhausted, then it’s time to ask ourselves why we need so much approval from outside of ourselves.
So many of the HSPs I’ve worked with have always felt deep down that they were different, and so they learned to fit in to gain approval. That means we often find it hard to say no because:
We worry what others might think of us.
We fear rejection and losing relationships.
Others punished us for saying no in the past, perhaps by giving us the silent treatment or reacting in other passive-aggressive ways.
It’s easier to say yes and be nice and agreeable than it is to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up for us when we say no.
We feel anxious about saying no to dominant people, or those in authority.
We have a pattern of taking care of others in relationships.
We feel like nothing will get done unless we do it ourselves, and we find it hard to delegate, or accept help.
Because we have the empathy, intuition and insight that could help another person, we feel we should — regardless of the time or energy it may take.
We’ve said yes before, so we feel obligated.
We unconsciously play the role of “hero,” “rescuer” or “martyr.”
My Granddad’s Wisdom
So often our patterns around saying no are rooted in childhood.
In some respects, when it comes to saying no, I was lucky.
I was raised by a cash-strapped single mum, and I remember a succession of lodgers who took advantage of her, and routinely cleared out our fridge. As a small child, I called them the “creatures,” and was often hungry.
My granddad was concerned for my mum, and I can distinctly remember him saying to me: “Never let anyone take advantage of you Genevieve or treat you as a doormat. Always remember to say no.”
I was fortunate to have such wise guidance from a gentle, empathetic man who had faced his own struggles to say no.
Childhood Conditioning
In early life, very few of us received unconditional love and acceptance just for being ourselves. We may have learned that in order to earn our caregivers’ approval, we needed to meet their expectations of who they wanted us to be.
Perhaps you had a strict parent who rewarded you when you met their expectations, but punished when you didn’t.
Or maybe you had a stressed parent who was struggling with their marriage, work or depression, and you recognised that to survive you couldn’t be an extra burden on them, so you learned to suppress your own needs and feelings.
If a caregiver didn’t respect your privacy or space as child, for example by barging into your bedroom without asking, then you may struggle to put in boundaries.
Or you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t spoken about, and where you learned that your feelings didn’t matter.
It may not have felt safe to ask for what you needed, so saying yes to everything became a coping strategy to survive.
If you suffered from any form of discrimination or rejection, you may have let others take advantage, since you wanted to fit in.
For women, in particular, there can be an expectation that we will be caring and self-sacrificing, and it can be hard to overcome a deeply ingrained belief that it’s selfish for us to think of ourselves.
Healthy Boundaries
Of course, it’s a wonderful thing to help others, offer support to people in challenging situations, and lend our HSP listening ears. When we give generously from an unconditional place of abundance, without expectation of anything in return, we experience the ease and flow that comes from living in alignment with our values.
It becomes a problem when we’re agreeing to things out of a sense of obligation, or to avoid another person’s negative reaction.
If you struggle to say no, it can help to consider that you’re actually saying yes to a more energized and integrated version of yourself.
For example, when we say no to a social event, we give ourselves more time to rest and recharge, so that when we do go out, we can be on our best, sparkly form.
And although you might feel that saying yes is good for your relationships, you will ultimately feel resentful, and taken advantage of, if you don’t draw boundaries. Healthy relationships are built on authenticity and clearly communicating our needs.
Practical Tips For Saying No
Here are my top tips for saying no with more confidence:
Give yourself permission. Recognise that as an HSP it’s okay to put your needs first. It’s not selfish and it’s important to value yourself enough to say no.
Become aware of your patterns. Notice what thoughts, feelings and physical sensations arise when you’re asked to do something that you don’t want to do. Because we may have been saying yes reflexively for a long time, we’ll need to be gentle with ourselves as we start to learn to say no more often.
When you’re being asked to commit to something, ask yourself. “Will saying yes bring me joy, and a sense of meaning and achievement? Or am I going to regret having said yes when this event or task arrives?”
Learn to discern where your feelings begin and end. You can have empathy that somebody is disappointed or angry, but you don’t need to take on their emotions.
Practice different ways of saying no. Always deliver a clean, clear, high quality no — and don’t apologise for doing so. Experiment with different responses, such as:
“No thank you, I won’t be able to.”
“I appreciate you thinking of me, and I love your enthusiasm. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help out this time.”
“I won’t be able to, but I can recommend someone who may be able to help you.”
“Let me think about this, and I will get back to you.”
First start small. Experiment with drawing boundaries with smaller things, rather than the bigger issues in your life. It might be easier to begin practicing saying no to friends than to an overbearing boss.
You don’t have to give an instant answer. As HSPs, we need time to process and feel into our decisions. So get into the habit of taking the time you need to give an authentic response so you don’t agree to things you later regret.
Check in with your body. As HSPs, we can get stuck in our heads. If we remember to drop into our bodies, we get a clearer sense of what’s right for us.
Self-compassion is key on the HSP journey. We may have spent decades overriding our instincts. It takes time to learn to set boundaries with more skill.
I created The HSP Revolution community so that we don’t need to do all this on our own. We’re here to support and learn from each other, and recognise that bringing our HSP gifts into the world is always going to be a shared endeavour.
See you next week!
