The emotion we don't talk about

Shame is our biggest taboo, but we can find ways to lighten the load.

Sep 29, 2022

Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).

Many times in my coaching work a client will say something like:

“I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel broken. Like I need fixing. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I want to know who I am.”

Over several sessions, we’ll gradually explore the origins of these thoughts and discover that the underlying emotion is shame.

Of all our emotions, shame carries the biggest taboo. We don’t want to admit to the feeling, or talk about it when it visits us. And shame can be so painful, paralyzing and overwhelming that we’ll do anything we can to ignore it, deny it, or push it away. We may often struggle to even name the viscerally uncomfortable feelings we’re experiencing as shame — making the experience even harder to resolve.

Sensitivity and shame

Given that one of the defining characteristics of Highly Sensitive People is our deep processing of emotions, it’s no surprise that we’re prone to particularly intense feelings of shame. Our sensitivity may rarely have been honored as a gift. Instead, we were labelled “weak” whenever we showed up as our true, empathic and intuitive selves. Couple that with our tendency to feel like outsiders looking in, and our vulnerability to shame can influence much of our life experience.

So how do we approach this most challenging of emotions? And is there a way we can ease the burden? This is of course a vast topic, one I’m keen to address on a regular basis in my forthcoming The HSP Revolution online community. But I wanted to offer some initial reflections since shame comes up so much in my one-on-one work. If nothing else, I hope this edition of The HSP Revolution will persuade you that — if you do recognise that shame sometimes lives in you — you aren’t on your own.

Origins of shame

Shame begins in our infancy, when we first learn that we’re somehow not acceptable as we are — often before we’ve learned to speak.

As babies and very young children, we’re wired to seek attachment with our caregivers. But if our parents were stressed, or suffering from trauma symptoms, as most were, we can easily internalise a sense that there’s something wrong with us.

Many of our parents would have carried such a legacy of shame from their own childhoods that they felt intensely afraid of being judged — particularly for their own parenting. Despite their best intentions, even the most loving of parents— often unconsciously — may have resorted to shaming us to make us behave in the “right” way. Unfortunately, they didn’t have access to the knowledge we have today — and shame was the only tool they knew. The result was that we adapted ourselves to fit in by becoming a “good” girl or boy; always being polite, and never being “too much.”

As very young children, we would’ve felt even less safe if we’d acknowledged that our caregivers weren’t meeting our needs to be seen and respected. So we survived by turning the shame inwards — internalising a sense of being flawed that, while false, gradually started to feel like a part of who we really are.

Wearing a mask

Shame feels so intensely unpleasant that we may have learned to protect ourselves by going numb, or learning to shrink ourselves in order to be acceptable and loved. We may have developed a persona or mask to survive. We became the people pleaser; the charmer; the joker; the performer; the achiever, or the “good” girl or boy.

And our sensitivity only made our feelings of shame worse.

For example, perhaps you were a sensitive child who felt uncomfortable wearing certain fabrics; didn’t like sports, or felt easily overwhelmed by busy places and had meltdowns at birthday parties. Your parents might have shamed you for these responses — or labelled you as a “drama queen” or a “difficult” child.

Or perhaps you were shamed for your intense feelings, or for taking time to adjust to new situations or people — natural reactions for HSPs that your caregivers couldn’t always understand. Or maybe you felt shame for feeling different, and for sensing what the adults around you were feeling, causing you to sometimes speak truths out loud that your family would have preferred to keep quiet.

Even if harsh words weren’t spoken, as sensitive children, we can feel deep shame when we perceive our parents’ silent disapproval, criticism, judgement, or their lack of affection and trust. At the deepest level, we all feel deep shame when we aren’t truly seen, accepted and loved for who we are. We may feel like there’s always something we’re not doing right — even if we can’t always put that feeling into words.

The problem was that, however hard we tried to be “good,” we still believed the shame-based stories — carrying false ideas about ourselves as being inadequate or unacceptable into adulthood. And in our shame-based societies, where constant striving and competition leaves almost everyone afraid of falling behind, recovering a sense of our own basic goodness can seem like an impossible task.

Shame-based culture

Given how common feelings of shame are in our early lives, its no wonder that our culture seems wired to reinforce them. We’re constantly receiving messages that we’re not enough — whether in terms of our career or academic status; our fitness and health; our finances; social circles or relationships. There is always more to want, obtain or achieve.

Situations in our adult lives can trigger disproportionately deep feelings of shame. The overwhelming emotion is a sure sign we’re tapping into an unresolved but perhaps long-forgotten trauma from our childhood. We may find ourselves overwhelmed by deeply unpleasant feelings and body sensations in the present — but struggle to recognise them as a replay of shame from our early childhood.

Many kinds of challenges can bring our old shame back to the surface. Here are just a few shame triggers I commonly see in my coaching work:

Struggling: We believing we have no right to complain when others are worse off.
Feeling overwhelmed: We feel angry at ourselves for not being able to “pull ourselves together.”
Experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or generalised worry.
Being stuck: In a marriage, relationship or workplace we know is unhealthy.
Feeling too intensely.
Making mistakes
Not being organised and tidy enough.
Not feeling clever enough.
Feeling weak: When we fall apart and conclude that we lack resilience.
Work struggles: Especially being bullied or micromanaged.
Not speaking up: When we struggle to find our voice.
Crying: Too much (or not crying enough).
Being an HSP.
Wanting to rest and take it easy.

These triggers and more can activate our shame responses — subjecting us to feelings that seem to be about what’s going on in the present, but are really echos from our past.

How to handle shame

Like any strong emotion, the most important thing to do when shame comes up is to stay as present as possible, and notice what’s going on in your body. The more that we can consciously tune in, and observe the sensations and energies associated with any feeling, the less likely we are to get stuck in the story around what’s happened. Remember: As the teacher Eckhart Tolle has observed, we are never upset for the reason we think: Strong emotion is always a sign that some old pattern has been triggered.

The good news is that our bodies instinctively know how to metabolise strong feelings — provided we can stay conscious of what’s happening, and avoid suppressing what’s going on, acting out — or reaching for distractions. Shame is no different. If we can watch as it arises, moves through us, and gradually dissipates, we will discover that no feeling — even those we would very much prefer to avoid — will last forever. We can feel the energy of shame without having to buy into the outdated and false stories our minds tend to spin.

Moreover, we can ask ourselves whether it would be appropriate to:

Investigate where our shame comes from: Work with a coach, therapist or supportive group to explore your early experiences of feeling shame around parents, teachers or peers.
Challenge the negative voices in our head: Create positive affirmations to repeat silently or out loud whenever you feel shame starting to arise. For example: “I am enough” or “I am worthy” or “I release any emotions that do not belong to me.”
Be clear about your needs: Shame can get in the way of transparent communication. Build up your confidence by clearly expressing your needs and boundaries.
Stay in your body: Allow yourself to sit with the visceral, physical sensations you experience when your shame is triggered — and observe that, like all feelings, shame eventually changes, dissipates, and turns into something else.
Self compassion: Re-parent yourself by extending compassion to the younger parts of yourself that may be re-experiencing shame in the present. Reframe what happened in the past: Those experiences made you who you are today. Perhaps you need to give yourself more space for rest, solitude, and slowing down. Ask yourself: “What within me needs care and attention in this moment?”
Seek support: If you’re in a situation where you’re struggling or feeling trapped, but you don’t feel ready to share the shame you’re feeling with anybody else, try to be gentle with yourself. Everybody experiences shame at some point — it’s important to seek appropriate support.

Shame can be a painful emotion to look at — but also an excellent teacher, reminding us of the importance of forgiving ourselves, treating ourselves with kindness, and nurturing self-compassion. If you recognise shame as a companion in your own life, I hope some of what I’ve written may have resonated, and would love to hear about your experiences in the comments.

The HSP Revolution