This is very interesting. I think truly asserting ourselves is one of the most difficult things we can do. I suspect most people either react aggressively when they feel angry or swallow the feeling in the way that you have described. I really recognise the cycle of someone trying to 'fix' the problem with practical solutions when all I want is comfort. This has caused real problems in one of the important relationships in my life when someone who can't handle big emotions tries to control the situation or avoid me to avoid having to deal with my feelings, which only makes me more distressed and angry. It is hard to get out of that vicious circle. A lot of us have probably felt ashamed of the way we are because of being around people (from parents onwards) who have reacted with horror at our emotions.
Beth, that's such a great and clear description of the dilemma that so many of us as HSPs are facing. Even just to articulate it in this way is hopefully a useful way to gain a fresh perspective and help others to realise that they are not alone.
"Handle big emotions"... it's really difficult to be on the receiving end of non-normal big emotions. I don't mean to be hurtful but, by definition, a HSP experiences things in a non-normal way. And so to those of us that are "normal" (ha!), the bigness is a huge challenge. It's frightening, overwhelming, demeaning, threatening, disrespectful, hurtful, on and on. It's easy to say: just deal w/ the big emotions but... isn't it just as easy to say "don't have the big emotion"? I love my wife immensely but we are teetering. She feels I don't care about her..that I don't "see her". But I do! I just cannot SEE HER the way she thinks she deserves to be seen. Her HSP demands that I experience things like she does. But I don't. She thinks I don't care because I'm not like her. That's just unfair.
This scenario is exactly my situation. This is the first time that learning about being a hsp that I have read about my uncontrollable anger. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.
Welcome to the HSP Revolution community Elizabeth and thank you for sharing. I love those "Aha" moments, when things start to become clearer. I'd be interested to know which parts resonated most for you?
It was the bit about being misunderstood as a child and being dismissed and not validated by our significant caregivers. I didn’t even know what a boundary was until I started my counselling training. As such, at 57 years of age, I have burned out and developed CFS and fibromyalgia from all that suppressed anger and frustration. I knew I felt things more deeply than others and that made me somehow different but also a bit like a freak if that makes sense? Your post today has shown me I’m not a freak and I’m not alone so huge thankyou xx
Thanks for sharing Elizabeth. I think many people here will resonate completely with these feelings you share of being misunderstood and not validated at a child. It makes complete sense that you felt different and a bit of a freak with your depth of feeling. I'm so pleased though that you can now realise you are not a freak, you have always been worthy, you're definitely not alone and I'm so pleased you found this HSP revolution newsletter and community X
I grew up in a very loving family, yet there were many times that I remember voicing my wants or opinions and ended up being punished for the way I 'acted' as I tried to communicate something I was passionate about. Inevitably I would end up being sent to my room, isolated, to cool off. I remember getting so sad and mad and feeling frustrated that I couldn't get my point across to the people who should understand me best. Later in adulthood I was told what a difficult child I was. My parents had even consulted with a doctor on what to do about my fits. He suggested putting me in a cold bath of water. You can only imagine how that went down! The fights and psychological trauma only intensified. As a teenager, I kept alot from my parents..my very loving, but not so 'understanding' parents. As an adult, I'm a very easy going, people pleasing, smiling gal that gets along with most everyone, yet would consider myself a social introvert. I was recently left by my husband of 13 years largely because he couldn't understand why I would react so intensely to his criticisms, careless use of vulgarity, and unempathetic responses to my deepest, heartfelt expression of feelings. At 50 yrs old, I consider myself a super conscientious communicator that fears getting in trouble for saying things 'incorrectly'.
Dr G, you have just opened a door of huge possibilities for me! Thank you!!
Jill, thank you so much for sharing so authentically and deeply. Yes, I have often noticed that HSPs worry about ‘saying the wrong thing,’ and this is a fear which is very often rooted in childhood. I am pleased that this post resonated and I’m so glad to welcome you to the HSP Revolution!
Wow this is all a revelation to me. I’ve studied psychology, sociology, hypnotherapy & coaching, but only now do I recognise myself as a HSP. I literally am paralysed when it comes to expressing anger and I know it comes from my childhood/upbringing. I’m looking forward to reading more of this content. Thank you
Welcome to the HSP Revolution Jenni and thanks for sharing! It also took me years to recognise that I was an HSP, but I have found it such a useful framework for understanding myself and others.
I found your description of how this type of interaction feels from a highly sensitive point of view to be spot on. Having just gone a similar experience, the healing process led to me finally writing my autobiography. It's an autobiography that has the theme of empathy from the perspective of a highly sensitive person. I hope the community can gain something from it.
I am someone that never even knew anything called HSP existed and this made me not understand why I always reacted to the extreme in most situations. I grew up in a very hostile environment (watched as my dad was physically abusive) and when they separated, I was the only one of my siblings that didn't take it easy. Now, married to a husband who tends to talk about almost everything and surrounded by children who are hyperactive. It seems like I'm always on edge and experience burnout quite frequently. It's a struggle I'm still trying to overcome.
This is very interesting. I think truly asserting ourselves is one of the most difficult things we can do. I suspect most people either react aggressively when they feel angry or swallow the feeling in the way that you have described. I really recognise the cycle of someone trying to 'fix' the problem with practical solutions when all I want is comfort. This has caused real problems in one of the important relationships in my life when someone who can't handle big emotions tries to control the situation or avoid me to avoid having to deal with my feelings, which only makes me more distressed and angry. It is hard to get out of that vicious circle. A lot of us have probably felt ashamed of the way we are because of being around people (from parents onwards) who have reacted with horror at our emotions.
Beth, that's such a great and clear description of the dilemma that so many of us as HSPs are facing. Even just to articulate it in this way is hopefully a useful way to gain a fresh perspective and help others to realise that they are not alone.
"Handle big emotions"... it's really difficult to be on the receiving end of non-normal big emotions. I don't mean to be hurtful but, by definition, a HSP experiences things in a non-normal way. And so to those of us that are "normal" (ha!), the bigness is a huge challenge. It's frightening, overwhelming, demeaning, threatening, disrespectful, hurtful, on and on. It's easy to say: just deal w/ the big emotions but... isn't it just as easy to say "don't have the big emotion"? I love my wife immensely but we are teetering. She feels I don't care about her..that I don't "see her". But I do! I just cannot SEE HER the way she thinks she deserves to be seen. Her HSP demands that I experience things like she does. But I don't. She thinks I don't care because I'm not like her. That's just unfair.
This scenario is exactly my situation. This is the first time that learning about being a hsp that I have read about my uncontrollable anger. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.
Oh my goodness I’ve just come across your site and could cry with relief because I feel someone finally understands me
Welcome to the HSP Revolution community Elizabeth and thank you for sharing. I love those "Aha" moments, when things start to become clearer. I'd be interested to know which parts resonated most for you?
It was the bit about being misunderstood as a child and being dismissed and not validated by our significant caregivers. I didn’t even know what a boundary was until I started my counselling training. As such, at 57 years of age, I have burned out and developed CFS and fibromyalgia from all that suppressed anger and frustration. I knew I felt things more deeply than others and that made me somehow different but also a bit like a freak if that makes sense? Your post today has shown me I’m not a freak and I’m not alone so huge thankyou xx
Thanks for sharing Elizabeth. I think many people here will resonate completely with these feelings you share of being misunderstood and not validated at a child. It makes complete sense that you felt different and a bit of a freak with your depth of feeling. I'm so pleased though that you can now realise you are not a freak, you have always been worthy, you're definitely not alone and I'm so pleased you found this HSP revolution newsletter and community X
I grew up in a very loving family, yet there were many times that I remember voicing my wants or opinions and ended up being punished for the way I 'acted' as I tried to communicate something I was passionate about. Inevitably I would end up being sent to my room, isolated, to cool off. I remember getting so sad and mad and feeling frustrated that I couldn't get my point across to the people who should understand me best. Later in adulthood I was told what a difficult child I was. My parents had even consulted with a doctor on what to do about my fits. He suggested putting me in a cold bath of water. You can only imagine how that went down! The fights and psychological trauma only intensified. As a teenager, I kept alot from my parents..my very loving, but not so 'understanding' parents. As an adult, I'm a very easy going, people pleasing, smiling gal that gets along with most everyone, yet would consider myself a social introvert. I was recently left by my husband of 13 years largely because he couldn't understand why I would react so intensely to his criticisms, careless use of vulgarity, and unempathetic responses to my deepest, heartfelt expression of feelings. At 50 yrs old, I consider myself a super conscientious communicator that fears getting in trouble for saying things 'incorrectly'.
Dr G, you have just opened a door of huge possibilities for me! Thank you!!
Jill, thank you so much for sharing so authentically and deeply. Yes, I have often noticed that HSPs worry about ‘saying the wrong thing,’ and this is a fear which is very often rooted in childhood. I am pleased that this post resonated and I’m so glad to welcome you to the HSP Revolution!
Wow this is all a revelation to me. I’ve studied psychology, sociology, hypnotherapy & coaching, but only now do I recognise myself as a HSP. I literally am paralysed when it comes to expressing anger and I know it comes from my childhood/upbringing. I’m looking forward to reading more of this content. Thank you
Welcome to the HSP Revolution Jenni and thanks for sharing! It also took me years to recognise that I was an HSP, but I have found it such a useful framework for understanding myself and others.
I found your description of how this type of interaction feels from a highly sensitive point of view to be spot on. Having just gone a similar experience, the healing process led to me finally writing my autobiography. It's an autobiography that has the theme of empathy from the perspective of a highly sensitive person. I hope the community can gain something from it.
https://theanatomyofhealing.substack.com/
I am someone that never even knew anything called HSP existed and this made me not understand why I always reacted to the extreme in most situations. I grew up in a very hostile environment (watched as my dad was physically abusive) and when they separated, I was the only one of my siblings that didn't take it easy. Now, married to a husband who tends to talk about almost everything and surrounded by children who are hyperactive. It seems like I'm always on edge and experience burnout quite frequently. It's a struggle I'm still trying to overcome.