Thank you for this. I truly believed it was only me. I have felt very alone with this, in coping with my partner and his dysfunctional family over a number of decades. I have very much put myself in rescuer mode. Now I realise they don't want to be rescued, and I have worn myself out. I have recently put in boundaries to protect myself from any more hurt, and have the task of carving out a sustainable future relationship with them all. It's not easy. I am so thankful that this group is a safe space to talk about these issues.
It sounds like it has been an incredibly challenging time. However, I am so pleased to hear that you have begun to prioritise yourself and your own health with putting in boundaries and having the awareness that you need to approach the relationships in a different way. I know that what you have written will resonate with others here, so thank you so much for sharing so honestly Julia. It's a good example of the power of community, because we begin to realise we are really not alone.
I really enjoyed reading this post; in fact I couldn’t get off to sleep because it got me thinking about the subject of narcissism and ‘difficult people’ in general.
I have also enjoyed the insightful work of Dr Ramani Durvaula and have read most of her books, never have I experienced such a succession of light-bulb moments!
Before I discovered Ramani I had my blind spots, these days I keep toxic people at arms length, my BS radar is always on, I block people on social media and my boundaries are strong. I still feel the fire in my belly, but I’m working on my anger and finding the space between stimulus and response for a healthy outcome. Dealing with difficult people is a hard work and I’m careful to pick my battles.
Even though Ramani is a Psychologist and Councilor she explicitly warns about the crazy making manipulative and charismatic nature of the narcissist. They gaslight and victimise making you think you are the one with a personality disorder.
In my experience a controlling person with issues will only bring you down, you can’t bring them up to your level! You might think they have dubious morals and values but they are most likely happy and confident in their own skin with an inability to self-reflect. Can you imagine Trump or Putin self-reflecting! Just to illustrate I had one incredibly difficult boss that enjoyed playing mind games and pitting us against each other, he used his money to seduce naïve individuals. I’m glad to say he got his comeuppance for his crime and was named and shamed on the TV then locked up for a couple of years. I also have many funny anecdotes about other individuals who harbor ‘dark triad’ traits; sometimes you have to pity these characters!
I would say trust in your gut instincts and intuition; you might be spot on with your prejudgments. Don’t be naïve be mindful that they might not be who you think they are and walking away from toxic people and cutting them out of your life is an act of self-care.
People either inspire you or drain you – pick them wisely
Matt, thank you for such a rich and insightful sharing. I can hear your lived experience on this subject. I am so pleased you have also found the work of Dr Ramani. We do all have our blind spots and it's often only through experiencing these dynamics firsthand that we learn. Discernment and boundaries are absolutely the key.
Yes, I think many of us have lived through similar experiences, I have to say if it wasn't for such uncomfortable experiences I would have never started the journey of trying to get to know myself a little and make better decisions. and also I wouldn't have found this community.
Thank you for this. I truly believed it was only me. I have felt very alone with this, in coping with my partner and his dysfunctional family over a number of decades. I have very much put myself in rescuer mode. Now I realise they don't want to be rescued, and I have worn myself out. I have recently put in boundaries to protect myself from any more hurt, and have the task of carving out a sustainable future relationship with them all. It's not easy. I am so thankful that this group is a safe space to talk about these issues.
It sounds like it has been an incredibly challenging time. However, I am so pleased to hear that you have begun to prioritise yourself and your own health with putting in boundaries and having the awareness that you need to approach the relationships in a different way. I know that what you have written will resonate with others here, so thank you so much for sharing so honestly Julia. It's a good example of the power of community, because we begin to realise we are really not alone.
I really enjoyed reading this post; in fact I couldn’t get off to sleep because it got me thinking about the subject of narcissism and ‘difficult people’ in general.
I have also enjoyed the insightful work of Dr Ramani Durvaula and have read most of her books, never have I experienced such a succession of light-bulb moments!
Before I discovered Ramani I had my blind spots, these days I keep toxic people at arms length, my BS radar is always on, I block people on social media and my boundaries are strong. I still feel the fire in my belly, but I’m working on my anger and finding the space between stimulus and response for a healthy outcome. Dealing with difficult people is a hard work and I’m careful to pick my battles.
Even though Ramani is a Psychologist and Councilor she explicitly warns about the crazy making manipulative and charismatic nature of the narcissist. They gaslight and victimise making you think you are the one with a personality disorder.
In my experience a controlling person with issues will only bring you down, you can’t bring them up to your level! You might think they have dubious morals and values but they are most likely happy and confident in their own skin with an inability to self-reflect. Can you imagine Trump or Putin self-reflecting! Just to illustrate I had one incredibly difficult boss that enjoyed playing mind games and pitting us against each other, he used his money to seduce naïve individuals. I’m glad to say he got his comeuppance for his crime and was named and shamed on the TV then locked up for a couple of years. I also have many funny anecdotes about other individuals who harbor ‘dark triad’ traits; sometimes you have to pity these characters!
I would say trust in your gut instincts and intuition; you might be spot on with your prejudgments. Don’t be naïve be mindful that they might not be who you think they are and walking away from toxic people and cutting them out of your life is an act of self-care.
People either inspire you or drain you – pick them wisely
Matt, thank you for such a rich and insightful sharing. I can hear your lived experience on this subject. I am so pleased you have also found the work of Dr Ramani. We do all have our blind spots and it's often only through experiencing these dynamics firsthand that we learn. Discernment and boundaries are absolutely the key.
Yes, I think many of us have lived through similar experiences, I have to say if it wasn't for such uncomfortable experiences I would have never started the journey of trying to get to know myself a little and make better decisions. and also I wouldn't have found this community.
Your contributions and sharing with this community are so helpful and insightful.
Thank you! This is a great space to share ideas and express experiences always a pleasure.
Wow, thank you for this amazing insight. So helpful x
Linda, really pleased you've found this helpful and also found your way to this newsletter
This is really clearly written and helpful to have reflected in such a clear way. Thank you
Thank you Kerry Ann. So pleased you found this helpful
Again, dr. you’re right. It happened to me. I think it may be convoluted or correlated with a chronic lack of affection from infancy…
Thank you Ecelso
Thank you so much for this. It really resonated with me and is food for thought going forward.
Thanks for your comment Zena. So pleased this resonated. There really is so much to say on this topic.