HSPs and social media
Reading the energy behind a post may reveal more than the words.
Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).
In social situations, Highly Sensitive People are often to be found hanging back and observing – reading the subtle cues as people interact.
Almost as if we’re downloading data from a Wifi signal, we can absorb enormous amounts of information that gives us an intuitive insight into people’s personalities, intentions and motives. It’s this data that informs our gut feelings – and can help us make wise choices – provided we learn to trust the messages and don’t over-ride them.
On social media, we can’t read people’s faces, interpret their body language, or tune in to the cadence of their voices. But we can certainly sense the energy behind a post – or nuances in the way it’s worded.
I’ve sometimes wondered why I’ve often found Facebook, Twitter and Instagram so draining — as I suspect many of us do. I now realise that it’s because each time I scroll through my feed, I’m picking up on reams of subtle information underneath the surface-level meaning of the posts.
While there’s lots of good advice out there about avoiding the distractions and pitfalls of social media, this week I wanted to suggest a few thoughts with HSPs in mind.
Streamline apps
I know that if I’m in an over-stimulating environment, I can have a tendency to check my phone to take a break from everything that’s happening around me. This has never been a good idea: I end up taking on more input and feel even more overloaded.
On a very practical note, I’ve found it helpful to streamline my apps, so I now only have Instagram on my phone.
Congruence
One concept I find helpful when trying to understand how I’m responding to somebody is congruence — how closely their words and actions reflect their inner state. For example, if somebody’s feeling angry and they tell me so, then that’s congruent. Conversely, if somebody is hiding their resentment behind a smiling face, then we can feel the lack of congruence immediately.
Increasingly, I’m starting to notice whether social media posts feel congruent to me — just as I can sense somebody’s level of congruence when I meet them in person. I truly love posts that leave me feeling uplifted and inspired — when it’s clear that they’re giving voice to genuine lived experience. But other posts can feel less congruent, and too much exposure to this kind of content can be tiring.
In many ways, it’s a huge positive that people are now sharing more online about their struggles, vulnerabilities and losses. When such posts come from an authentic, integrated place, with an intention to help others, these stories can be immensely valuable. But the sharing culture also has a shadow side, with attention-seeking or manipulation sometimes masquerading as appeals to solidarity. As HSPs, we’re better than most at telling the difference between genuine sharing and posts that reflect unconscious patterns. If an apparently vulnerable post feels off to you — then honour that instinct. It may be giving you important information that all is not quite what it seems.
Discernment is key
Once we recognise just how widely posts may vary in terms of congruence, we can exercise more discernment — curating our feeds to follow accounts that feel more aligned with our values, and weeding out those that don’t.
Just as congruence can vary from account to account, we may likewise find the collective level of congruence ebbs and flows as the impact of the major news story of the hour ripples through our feed. I know there have been times when world events have triggered outpourings of posts that have left me feeling uneasy. Sometimes I’ve sensed that people are posting what they think they’re supposed to be seen to be saying — rather than sharing their genuine, conflicted and uncertain selves.
Of course, social media is rarely the best place to publicly process your deepest feelings on an issue. In times as intense as these, it may be better to refrain from posting while you focus on observing what’s coming up for you. It’s essential that we give ourselves permission to do what HSPs do best: Stand apart, observe, analyse and come up with a considered response, rather than getting swept away by reactivity. As a wise person once asked, how many times have you seen somebody change their mind after an argument on Twitter? We’ll do more good by cultivating the kind of calm presence that can serve as a quiet beacon of reassurance for others — in-person or online.
I’d love to hear how you navigate social media in the comments.
Thanks for being a part of The HSP Revolution!
See you next week,
This is another fascinating topic! Yes I agree that you can’t see all these non-verbal cues on social media. On slightly different note this is also the problem with online dating.
I’m finding my phone has become a source of over stimulation and perhaps even an addiction. At least I’m aware of it and I’m starting to ween off it by leaving my phone out of reach.
I have a love-hate relationship with IG and FB, a number of relatives and people from school days have become my friends however they rarely engage with me on anything interesting I have shared in keeping with my values. I tend to feel FB is often voyeuristic and people like to rank and compare whilst keeping up with the Jones’s. I like to have a FB/IG cull every now and then ha!
I’m using IG to engage with many writers, researchers and musicians. However it’s a one-sided relationship they value my comments but understandably don’t follow me, I guess that’s online etiquette? I feel like I know them but well they don’t know me, its much like relationship between a fan and a pop star. It can be difficult to make any genuine relationships this way keeping me isolated.
From a different perspective I’m watching the number of followers go exponential for some influencers and they cannot hide their excitement! I’d be excited too if I were in their shoes but would remind myself that some individuals don't always have my best interests at heart.
I think about all the photos on my IG account and wonder what message does it send? Do I inspire people of quite the opposite? For example an HSP friend said this morning via IG that her weekend wouldn’t be as adventurous as mine, I reminded her I value quiet time even more! It made me think about how I interact with social media in the future, it looks like it's here to stay so I hope I can learn to use it wisely.
What a fascinating and insightful post. I think you have hit the nail on the head about congruence. The key example of this for me is all those posts about body image on Instagram where someone purports to be showing off their imperfections and resisting the pressure to look 'perfect' while taking every care to look as perfect as possible. Posting about how you look at all does not show that you don't care about how you look. I think old media used to be easier to navigate in some ways, because the toxic messages were more explicit and not cloaked in falsity. I have felt the same way about #bekind, so often used by people who post judgemental things online. It seems it is used by people as a way of arguing that their needs and perspective should be prioritised rather than a genuine exhortation to consider others.
I have often felt obliged to post more than I want to, to do that thing HSPs are not often comfortable with. i.e. self-promotion. I like your advice to play to our strengths and sit back and observe sometimes instead.