HSPs and perfectionism

How to tell the difference between aiming to do well and pushing yourself too hard.

Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People.

We’ve spent the last couple of newsletters talking about burnout. This week, I want to turn to another topic that often comes up in my work with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), and that’s perfectionism.

It goes without saying that there’s nothing wrong with pursuing high standards. We all want to do well and succeed. But perfectionism can be a problem when it’s taken to extremes: When we feel nothing we ever do is “good enough,” or we lose sleep worrying over tiny details, or always find fault.

In some ways, perfectionism is a trickier topic to unpack than burnout. It can be hard to draw a clear line between excessive levels of perfectionism and the positive character traits shared by many HSPs: conscientiousness; high standards; and sensitivity to subtle details.

The key difference between these HSP traits and perfectionism is that unhealthy extremes of perfectionism are driven by unresolved emotions. The constant compulsion to get everything right goes beyond a simple desire to do your best — it’s a coping mechanism to keep buried layers of anxiety, fear or shame at bay.

If you’re one of the HSPs who beat yourself up over tiny “failings” or find yourself procrastinating because you have to make sure everything is “just right” before acting, then let’s take a few moments to unpack what might be going on.

Signs of perfectionism

You may already have an intuitive sense of whether your pursuit of high standards is an authentic reflection of the real you — or whether you may be suffering from the kind of perfectionism that causes unnecessary suffering. If you’re still undecided, take a look at these potential red flags:

• Setting yourself unrealistic or unattainable standards

• Comparing yourself to others

• Never feeling “good enough”

• A critical, shaming inner voice

• Criticism cuts like a knife

• Working so hard that it harms relationships

• Elevated fear of judgment or disapproval

• Excessive sense of responsibility for self and others

• Feeling a need to control your emotions

• Basing your sense of self-worth on what you accomplish

• Lack of self-compassion

• Wanting to please everyone

• Worrying a lot

• Creating to-do lists that never get complete

• Checking and re-checking work for errors to an excessive degree

• Making a mistake feels paralysing

• Failure feels like the end of the world

• Anticipating negative feedback even when you have exceeded expectations

• Overperforming, then realising you didn’t need to do so much work

• Worrying about what others think of you

• Being overly strict with yourself

• Negative internal commentary

• Procrastination

• Not embodying your true authentic self

• Never feeling there’s enough time to do everything

• Finding it difficult to relax

• Often serious

• Frequently feeling overwhelmed

• Mood quickly drops if something goes wrong

• Self-doubt

• Avoiding situations where you might fail or look foolish

• “Good enough” isn’t good enough for you

What’s driving it?

When I work with coaching clients to figure out what’s underneath their perfectionism, we usually find one of the following:

• Fear (of failure, of rejection, or being judged, and so on)

• Anxiety

• Shame

When we were children, such feelings could seem literally unbearable — particularly when we didn’t receive the kind of relational attunement from grown-ups we needed to process our emotions safely.

Instead, we developed defences to stop ourselves ever having to feel so overwhelmed again. This is an unconscious process that happens automatically, without us even realising. As adults, we assume perfectionism is part of who we are — rather than a habit we’ve acquired and practised so often that it seems like second nature.

Roots in childhood

It’s only when we begin to dig into our perfectionistic tendencies that we may begin to reconnect with where the pattern came from. Here are some common roots:

Perfectionist parents. You may have had parents who held themselves to excessively high standards and placed the same level of expectation on you. The message growing up was that your value depended on your ability to succeed and win recognition. From a young age, you never felt enough.

Not being seen. Your parents invalidated you, or failed to offer much in the way of encouragement. You always had to be the “good” girl or boy.

Stuffing down feelings. Your caregiver couldn’t manage the intense emotions you experienced as a Highly Sensitive Child and you picked up that it wasn’t safe to feel, so you hid your feelings. Perhaps your parents were going through challenges and you didn’t want to burden them with your intense emotions. You tried to keep a lid on your feelings by being perfect.

Trauma response. Perfectionism can develop as a response to traumatic experiences of feeling shamed, vulnerable or not safe as a child. If a child grows up in a home that feels chaotic and out of control, or where there’s arguing, violence and addiction, they may adopt perfectionism as a defence.

Punitive Parenting. You were told off and shouted at when you made a mistake. There was no space to get it wrong, or to acknowledge that you were a child in the process of learning how to be in the world.

School. Perhaps you found the school environment overwhelming, and adopted perfectionism as a way to cope.

How perfectionism showed up for me

Growing up, I wouldn’t have identified as a perfectionist. I associated perfectionism with being excessively tidy (not me!) and schoolwork. Though I worked hard at school, I was always happy with good enough grades. I can live with mistakes, and due to losses during my childhood, I’d become quite good at managing setbacks and failure.

But I can now see that I had vulnerabilities that manifested as perfectionist tendencies.

For example, I have struggled with public speaking or appearing on camera due to feelings of self-consciousness and worrying about how I’m perceived. Though I love putting out The HSP Revolution each week, I do sometimes worry that I’ll come under scrutiny — and how what I write will be received. And I know that the desire to get something “perfect” has sometimes delayed my ability to put my ideas into action.

Breaking the cycle

Like any long-held pattern, excessive perfectionism can be a tough habit to transcend.

Be patient with yourself. As soon as you begin to bring in some awareness over how perfectionism shows up for you, the pattern will begin to weaken its grip. Rather than trying to push perfectionistic tendencies away, or overcome them, try making more room and space for what’s really going on. Can you slow down and access the feelings of fear, anxiety or shame underneath your impulse to get everything “right”?

You may find it helps to work with a coach, a therapist or as part of an expertly facilitated group to access these layers. But even without this level of support, you can set an intention to shift your relationship to your perfectionism. Instead of obeying its every command, you can begin to ask what it’s trying to protect you from. As an adult, you may find that you now have ample resources to work through those old layers of suppressed feelings — remnants of a past that doesn’t have to rule your present.

Above all, try to be as compassionate towards yourself as you can. The very young parts of ourselves that adopted perfectionism as a defence need our attention and care. We may always have a little bit of a perfectionistic streak, but we can suffer less if we meet it with goodwill, humour and kindness toward the child in us that just wants to be loved and seen.

As always, this kind of inner work is easier in community. I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments.

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April check-in video

This month, I explore the following themes:

• Identifying unhelpful habits and coping strategies

• Contemplating big life changes

• Connect with the child aspect of yourself

(I apologise for some crackling on the sound)

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As always, I love to hear from you in the comments — and please do pass this on to anyone you feel may benefit. And a huge thank you for being part of The HSP Revolution community.

See you next week!