How can I find my voice as an HSP?

For Highly Sensitive People, speaking authentically is one of the most important skills we can develop — and also one of the hardest to master

A couple of weeks ago, several people shared in the comments about the challenges they face as Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) in saying what they truly think and feel. It’s a tendency I’ve had to face in my own life — particularly in intimate relationships. Given that we feel others’ emotions so intensely, HSPs may hold back for fear of causing upset. This is often part of a lifelong pattern of managing people’s feelings — particularly in our families. We may also sidestep uncomfortable truths for fear of conflict, or being rejected, abandoned or judged.

Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about the internal barriers HSPs face in speaking up, and researching practical tips to help us find our voice. I soon realised this was a huge topic, touching on a whole host of core HSP dilemmas: from our tendency to engage in people pleasing, to the challenges of staying present when we feel overwhelmed.

I’ve put together some initial thoughts — but there’s plenty more to explore on this theme in the coming months. I’d love to deepen the discussion in the comments — so please do share about your own experiences and any thoughts on how we can find our voice more easily:

Notice when you are playing chameleon: A lot of the HSPs I work with have built highly successful personal lives and careers, but have reached a point where they say things like: “I have no idea who I am.” Like chameleons, we’re experts at blending in to our environments — mirroring behaviours modelled by our parents, schools, workplaces and communities in our never-ending quest to fit in. But all this camouflage comes at a cost: deep down we may feel lost, disconnected and unsure. We can’t speak authentically unless we know how we feel and what we think. That means taking the time and space to get to know ourselves — and discover what we truly value.

Stay in your body: Since HSPs feel so intensely, many of us find ourselves becoming reactive during emotionally-charged conversations. When we’re triggered, the logical, problem-solving part of our brain shuts down, and communication goes wrong. We move out of our authentic selves, and are no longer speaking from a wise, intuitive place. It helps to bring more awareness into our bodies. The simplest way to do this is to notice our breathing — which will naturally start to deepen and slow down. Stay rooted. Take it slowly. Be present. And if you do find yourself getting triggered, say you’re going to take a break for a few minutes to rebalance.

Listen mindfully: If we’ve managed to find the courage to share authentically, it can be easy to get so caught up in our own story that we forget to make space for the other person. The more we can resist the impulse to start thinking about what we’re going to say next while the other person is still speaking, the more we will be able to give them the experience of being truly heard. Deep listening is the essential foundation for ensuring a conversation leaves both people feeling acknowledged and heard.

Make “I” statements: Dr John Gottman and his wife Julie, co-founders of the Gottman Institute, have spent decades researching relationships. They recommend using statements that start by saying what you think and feel, to avoid the temptation to start blaming or making assumptions. For example, “I feel frustrated when I come in and the house is a mess” instead of “You never help tidy up.”

Vulnerability is strength: Sharing our true feelings means setting aside our masks — and that can make us feel vulnerable. But as long as we hold a pure intention to share something real, we become stronger by dropping our defences. Speaking and acting from our values brings us into a state of “congruence” — where our inner and outer worlds align. The less we worry about being judged, the deeper our communication.

Be discerning: As HSPs we can tune in and tell if somebody is speaking from the heart. But some people may use the cover of “I’m just being authentic” or “I’m just saying it as it is” to justify controlling behaviour — even without consciously realising what they’re doing. A red flag to look out for: Somebody pointing the finger at you without showing any sign of self-reflection or personal accountability, or asking for feedback. I’m a big fan of the work of Dr Ramani Durvasula, whose YouTube channel on narcissism is essential viewing for HSPs. Dr Ramani has just posted an excellent video on how people with narcissistic traits often believe they are entitled to say what they like — regardless of the harm they may cause.

“Authenticity is an overused word. But it’s a person who lives in alignment with their meaning, their purpose, with a sense of self-awareness, with an accurate appraisal of their strengths and weaknesses. And yet they don’t allow the strengths to escalate them into grandiosity, and don’t let the perceived weaknesses allow them to fall into a pit of despair.” — Dr Ramani,  in When Narcissists Meet Authenticity.

As always, please do feel free to share the HSP Revolution with anyone who may benefit — and don’t hesitate to comment below. The questions and observations are always a great source of inspiration for future newsletters — so thank you.

See you next week!