For HSPs, New Year is about letting go

The start of 2022 is an opportunity to release patterns that no longer serve us

In my ideal New Year’s Eve, the HSP Revolution community comes together on a beach and we spend the afternoon gathering driftwood. As night falls, we build a fire. Each of us writes down an old pattern we intend to let go of in 2022, and ties the piece of paper to a log. As the stars come out one by one, we take turns to silently commit our limitations to the flames.

We may not get a chance to gather in person this Friday, but with the pressures of Christmas now behind us, I’ve been thinking about how Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) can make the most of New Year. It’s great if we can commit to cultivating new habits or routines that will support our growth in the months ahead. It’s equally important to take a little time over the next few days to get clearer about what’s holding us back — and commit to leaving these old patterns behind.

Below are examples of blocks I’ve been gradually dissolving as part of my own healing journey — and some of the remaining layers I intend to work on in 2022:

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Patterns that held me back for years:

Not speaking authentically — In classic HSP fashion, I used to spend much of my life managing other people’s feelings — often by editing myself from saying how I really felt. At one point, this made sense: As children, we learned that people might get angry or feel hurt if we say what we really feel. That means we can get very good at avoiding upsetting other people by sacrificing our own needs. It’s even worse for HSPs since we can so easily pick up if we’ve upset somebody — even if they are pretending everything is okay. It took me years to notice how often my people-pleasing pattern was running my relationships. When I began to catch myself, I was able to make a conscious effort to speak my truth cleanly and clearly — and my relationships began to transform as a result.

Allowing people to drain my energy — Healthy relationships rest on reciprocity: We feel nurtured and supported by a mutual exchange of attention and care. But our high levels of empathy make HSPs especially vulnerable to people who want to endlessly talk at us, without ever asking how we are. We become enmeshed in social situations or relationships that leave us drained and exhausted. We know we’ll feel much better if we can focus on the people who uplift and energize us. But because HSPs can often feel overwhelmed by big life changes, we can be too tolerant of co-dependency — be it with friends, partners or colleagues. As Dr Elaine Aron points out, HSPs can struggle with decision making, and get stuck over-analysing. It’s taken me a long time to learn to put in clearer boundaries — but I’ve also learned that finding the courage to break away from energy-sucking situations opens the door to new opportunities.

“I joke that I have “decision trauma” from truly agonizing over some especially painful choices, in which whatever I did would change my life dramatically, and I knew that I would have reason to regret either choice” — Dr Elaine Aron

Placing too much emphasis on external validation — For many years, I believed that qualifying as a doctor of clinical psychology would finally give me the sense of self-worth I had lacked growing up. Though I loved my years of training, I soon realised that no amount of certificates could compensate for the hole inside. It was only when I realised I was seeking validation to make up for losses I’d suffered as a child that I realised that external achievements would not deliver true happiness. I’m so grateful to be a professional psychologist — but these days I’m less invested in the kind of success that comes from climbing the traditional career ladder, and clearer in myself that I’ll help more people by walking my own path.

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Patterns I intend to release in 2022:

Giving away my power — Although I’ve got much better at boundaries, I can still feel nervous about drawing the line — especially with people I may perceive as particularly domineering or aggressive. In 2022, I intend to notice whenever I feel this discomfort, explore it with curiosity, and be kind to myself as I sit with the feelings that come up. I intend to maintain healthy boundaries in all the different areas of my life as far as I can.

Hiding myself away — I know that if I want to build a strong HSP Revolution community, I need to put myself out there more. HSPs are so sensitive to the many shadowy energies at work on social media that even thinking about creating content can be exhausting. But I know that I won’t serve our community by withdrawing — especially if I want to carry forward my mission of empowering HSPs globally. I intend to make a conscious effort to harness social media in a positive way.

Trying too hard to fit in — HSPs are often labelled the “weird” ones in their families and schools — and we get very good at wearing masks. I’ve spent years working to take off the various masks I put on to deal with my lack of confidence — whether at work, socialising, or even with family and friends. But I know deep down that if we’re going to come together as HSPs to change the world, we have to drop all those old personas and roles. It’s not always easy to be our true, raw, vulnerable, messy selves — but I intend to keep working in 2022 to show up as the real me.

I love it when people write in the comments or share this HSP Revolution newsletter — if you feel called, it would be great to hear about the patterns you’re working with in the comments below.

Wishing you a very Happy New Year!

See you in 2022