Daring to speak up

Highly Sensitive People have so much to contribute. So why do we hold ourselves back?

Welcome to my weekly newsletter building a supportive community for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).

Last week I gave an online talk, and one of the participants raised a question that I suspect many Highly Sensitive People might relate to: How can I find the courage to speak up?

In my own life, and in my coaching work, I’ve realised how common it is for HSPs to worry excessively about what others will think if they say what they really feel. This fear of putting ourselves forward can manifest in many different situations: at work; in our families; in our intimate relationships, and friendships. The common root of this reticence is an overwhelming fear of being rejected.

Of course, nobody likes it when their ideas aren’t accepted, or they sense that another person isn’t really listening when they’re trying to say something important. We evolved as social creatures, and we have a deep-rooted need to belong. But for HSPs, the emotional toll of even mild forms of rejection can be particularly acute.

We’re so sensitive to social cues, that we can feel a wave of anxiety or shame if we sense that something we offer isn’t fully landing. We might read volumes into the briefest of facial expressions, scanning for signs that we’re being judged or perceived negatively — or that we’ve caused offence. And we know that if an interaction doesn’t go as planned, our inner critic will go into overdrive, over-analysing what was or wasn’t said for days or weeks afterwards.

I created The HSP Revolution to support HSPs to step forward. The kind of holistic thinking, empathy and creativity associated with high sensitivity has never been more needed. But if the most sensitive among us are always being overpowered by more dominant voices, then our crucial contributions won’t be made.

Early imprint

The fear of rejection often began in childhood. If we were raised by parents who were very concerned with keeping up appearances, or what other people thought of them, then we may have learned that rejection was to be avoided at all costs. If our caregivers never took much responsibility for themselves, they may have projected a lot of blame onto us — leaving us super-sensitive to being judged.

These tendencies can lead us to develop a habit of excessively monitoring what we say, which may be why so many HSPs experience some form of social anxiety. We jump to conclusions about what others think of us, and try to manage how we’re being perceived; or we may find it hard to express our needs, or keep quiet if we disagree. Add to that our sensitivity to any kind of negative reaction, and it might seem safer to stay silent than to try to find our voice.

“You’re too boring”

I know this struggle well.

For a long time, I didn’t dare to speak up. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel more confident about appearing in public, or sharing ideas in a newsletter like The HSP Revolution. It’s only now, with the benefit of hindsight, that I think I have a clearer sense of where my own fear of rejection started.

I was lucky that my grand-parents, who raised me after my mother died, were very accepting and non-judgmental. My problems started at school.

From a young age I loved singing, but I struggled to hit my notes after losing my mother, and I vividly remember a couple of performances where my voice came out in a croak. I felt ashamed and humiliated, and I think that’s where my performance anxiety kicked in.

Things got worse when a girl who I considered a close friend turned around one day and said: “I think you’re too boring.” Over time, I clammed up.

I think a lot of HSPs can relate to similar experiences at school. Looking back, I realise that this experience of rejection caused me to conclude that there was something wrong with me. As an HSP, it was very easy for me to start building a wall, and I started to worry about what I said.

In class, like many HSPs, I would have to take some time to process my thoughts deeply before answering a question. As I grew more self-conscious, I began to worry that I would say something that would make me look stupid or embarrass myself further — and often the teacher had moved on before I could respond.

Even when I did manage to pluck up the courage to speak, I would feel my heart beating and my face going pink. I edited myself to avoid the risk of saying the wrong thing — then would beat myself up for not sharing my ideas. Eventually, it all became too much and I found it almost impossible to speak in class. My grand-parents were repeatedly told at parents’ evenings that I should contribute more, which further undermined my confidence.

My saving grace was acting: I had no problem reciting lines from a script as I took on different roles, and I enjoyed the validation that came with performing.

Years later, after working through the losses I experienced in my early life, I’ve reached a point where I can accept that some people are going to like me, and some people won’t, and I’m at peace with that.

Building confidence

I created The HSP Revolution because I believe the journey to empowerment as a sensitive is best undertaken in community, and that we’re more likely to generate answers from a field of shared awareness of our dilemmas and our strengths. As always, I’d love to hear more about your experiences in the comments.

Meanwhile, I’d offer these initial ideas about how we can find more confidence to speak up:

Take small steps. When I was exploring groups and healing communities in my late 20s, I would often listen in silence, and it could take me many months before I would speak. You don’t need to do it all at once: Start by spending more time in situations where you could speak, and gradually build your confidence to the point when you feel ready.

Realise you’ll never please everyone. No matter how hard we try, we’re never going to live up to every expectation placed upon us. If someone does reject or criticise you, remember the simple truth that the way they respond says a lot more about them than you.

Notice perfectionism. HSPs tend to be their own harshest critics. If you notice yourself falling into perfectionism, remember that everyone makes mistakes. If we wait for the right moment to speak, or think we need to have our message word perfect, we may stay silent for a long time. Take a risk, and see what happens.

Find support. As far as you can, surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, and welcome your authentic self.

And remember: The world needs HSPs. The time for holding back is over.

Thanks for being part of The HSP Revolution.

See you next week!