Born to style

Highly Sensitive People often like to blend into the background. Emma Shoe is on a mission to help us connect with our confidence.

Launching in early January: The HSP Revolution online community to support your journey of empowerment as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Emma Shoe

A few weeks ago, I met Emma Reed, personal stylist and pre-loved treasure hunter known as Emma Shoe, founder of Styling You Well and the Treasure Circle. Emma does amazing work to help women — particularly those of us going through life or career transitions — to find the right look to enhance our confidence and well-being.

I loved hearing about Emma’s focus on using clothes as a tool for inner transformation — and the stories of the remarkable shifts she’s seen in so many of her clients. We also bonded over her enthusiasm for hunting out the best pre-loved, planet-friendly bargains in our local charity shops.

Although Emma has been on a path of self-discovery for a number of years, she has only recently learned that she is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Like many HSPs, she found it a huge relief to realise that her sensitivity is a recognised personality trait — and has begun to piece together how this has shaped her life and work.

Confidence boost

Having interviewed Professor Michael Pluess about his sensitivity research back in March, and Charlie Morley on sleep in April, The HSP Revolution thought it would be fun to have a chat with Emma — and learn more about how finding the right look can be a real boost for HSPs. I hope you enjoy our discussion below as much as I did. And you can follow Emma on Instagram here.

I’ll be back in early January with details of the launch of The HSP Revolution online community. I’m incredibly excited to be starting this supportive group, with live events, Q+A’s, and a members forum. I very much hope you’ll consider joining.

In the meantime, I’d like to thank you for being part of The HSP Revolution, and wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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“It’s not just about fashion, it’s about helping women transform in self confidence and self belief so they can shine in their true presence.” — Emma Shoe

Dr Genevieve: So, Emma, how did you became a stylist?

Emma: Friends had always come to me for styling advice but I didn’t really think it could be a job. I styled a friend once and it was quite an emotional ride. She burst into tears in the changing room when I’d styled her in some radically different looks to her existing style and she said: “You’ve brought me back.” It was such a powerful moment. I recognised that she was a mother who had lost her way after having a child, which is so often the case, and the clothes had shifted her whole perception of herself.

For me, it’s not about trends, or fashion: It’s how clothes can make you feel, and lift you, and give you confidence. I love the transformations. She was the one who said: “You should do this, you’ve got a gift, this should be your job.” I said: “Don’t be ridiculous.” Then I did the research, and I started my business in 2010.

How did you discover that you are an HSP?

I have literally just found out about HSPs, through your work. When I first had psychotherapy, I realised I had always been really sensitive, and I had always just put that down to my personality. I didn’t realise there was a term for it. You said it isn’t a condition…

…That’s right, being an HSP is a healthy personality trait. It’s estimated that about 20-30 percent of the population have this temperament, meaning we’re biologically more attuned to environmental stimuli, which can be a superpower — but also a vulnerability. A lot can depend on how the adults around us responded to our sensitivity when we were growing up — whether it was seen as a weakness, or valued as a strength.

I always remember that if my sister had anything wrong with her, my parents would take it seriously. And if it was me, they would say: “You’re just a hypochondriac, a drama queen.”

Yes, “drama queen” and “hypochondriac” are typical labels that get put on sensitive children.

I internalised my feelings as a child growing up. I never felt safe. On paper, I had a perfect, lovely upbringing — but no psychological safety. And that’s all making more sense now that I’ve been learning about high sensitivity and HSPs. It describes me, and it describes my daughter, and it feels like the biggest relief.

When you were reading about high sensitivity, what resonated most for you?

The thing that stood out was my emotional sensitivity. I internalise everything, ruminate on everything — especially about conversations I’ve just had, the things I said. One of my huge insecurities came from being labelled a “chatterbox” as a child. When you’re labelled a chatterbox, you feel like you have to mute yourself. I’m trying to reframe that to say that I’m curious and I like to talk with people. 

What is your HSP superpower?

Being intuitive is one of my superpowers, especially in my styling work. I’m the kind of person who walks into a room of people I don’t know and immediately picks up on the energy of the person who’s having a bad time. I feel like I need to look after them, and sometimes that’s exhausting.

You walk in and just feel it coming at you.

Yes, I say to my husband: “Oh my goodness, did you not pick any of that up?” He says: “No.” I say: “How could you not notice that person was really upset?”

Another HSP superpower is attention to detail — and I was thinking that must be a great asset in your work.

When I started my degree, I was doing pattern cutting. And I really struggled with that side of it. And I thought: “Why am I doing this course? I’m not a detail-oriented person.” I just didn’t think I was. I wasn’t very patient and I had been brought up with a role model of “if you can’t do it, give up.” But as time has gone on, I’ve realised my attention to detail is fastidious — almost obsessive. And as a shoe designer, a strap being a millimetre bigger, or smaller, or wider — for example — makes a massive difference. So now with the styling, I see things that people don’t see: The colours, the shapes. And so attention to detail has become my superpower.

What about intuition?

In my work, intuition is so crucial. Quite often a woman will try on an outfit, or put something on, and even if they’re saying: “This is great,” I can pick up that it’s not quite right for them. I don’t necessarily know why it’s not great, but I know there’s something better for them — and that really helps with my work.

Do you experience any vulnerabilities as an HSP?

I’m highly sensitive to criticism, and especially over text messages or emails, I might assume somebody means something they don’t.

What would you say are the main challenges your clients are going through right now?

I’d say most of the women who come to me initially feel stuck. They’ve lost their confidence, or they’ve never had style confidence in the first place. So yes, it is about getting them a great wardrobe, and showing them how to create great outfits, but it’s very holistic and we do a deep dive into childhood. And quite a lot of my clients had horrible experiences of shopping. I’ll ask them: “What was your first shopping experience, your first shopping memory? Did you have a female role model who positively or negatively influenced your relationship with clothes?”

Clothes are so important. You are naked, then you put on your clothes: Your armour, your joy, your expression. Some of the clients I have worked with have never felt good in their clothes. One of my questions is: “Tell me about an outfit you felt incredible wearing?” Some of my clients say: “Never.” We have a very emotional exchange quite a lot of the time. And then I realise that I was put on this planet to style. It’s not just about fashion or trends, it’s about helping women transform in self confidence and self belief so they can shine their true presence.

So the transformation appears to be on the outside, but it’s actually taking place on the inside. So, what do clothes have to do with our inner world?

It’s obviously confidence and self-worth, and self-esteem. It’s also the visceral feelings. So I talk to my clients a lot about textures and fabrics. I talk about investment pieces. It doesn’t need to be about spending a lot of money: I am all about pre-loved and second-hand clothes. It is about feeling that fabric before you put it on. And if it feels cheap, clingy, horrible, or itchy or scratchy…

…Which HSPs hate. So many orchid kids hate itchy clothes with the tags.

Yes, I talk a lot about fabric, and obviously colour. And how you can get joy. You really can change your state of mind, and how you start your day, by what you put on your body. So, it’s definitely intrinsically linked with self-worth and how we feel.

What lights you up about the transformations you see?

You see people’s physical posture change. I had a client who was in her early to mid-50s, and there was a real transformation — not just in her physical appearance and clothes, but in her confidence and the way that she was owning the room. And her presence. And her joy.

I always do a deep dive questionnaire which covers everything from how your relationship is with your body, how you currently shop, what percentage of your wardrobe you love, what percentage of your wardrobe you wear — that’s always a really interesting one. And your childhood memories with clothes and shopping. Role models. So, it is a real deep dive. At that point a lot of people say I wasn’t expecting to feel so emotional. It can often tap into something. I am ultimately trying to change behaviours: Change repeat buying patterns; change impulse shopping; help a woman not just to transform what she buys and wears, but how she goes about it. And how she approaches her wardrobe and dressing. It’s all connected with the inner work that happens.

So, with this lady, she’d sit in the car park for 20 minutes crying, looking at all the other women going into the office, and comparing and despairing, thinking they looked amazing. She was wearing oversized clothing, which is very common. So many women wear big baggy things to cover their body, which actually makes them look bigger. And so I went to her home for a combined wardrobe edit and styling session. At that time I would take along a rail of clothes to help show style ideas. I had a load of really colourful things and everything in her wardrobe was black. She was wearing black, black, black. And halfway through she tried on this jacket and it was like Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. It was a properly out there, loud jacket. And she literally went from head down, shoulders slumped, to her face and her eyes shining. I’ve got goosebumps telling this story. She said: “Emma, I haven’t put anything on like this in... I can’t even believe I’m wearing this.” And she bought it and it was quite an investment. And she said: “I’ll never wear this to work. It’s just for occasions. It’s far too loud.”

And that’s another thing: These women are blending in. They don’t want to be seen. They want to hide. But deep down they do want to be seen.

About a week later, I was in the car park and I saw this really big ray of colour walking toward me, and she was wearing the jacket. I said: “Oh my goodness, you’re wearing the jacket.” She said she had been wearing a colourful scarf every day, and eventually had built up the confidence to wear this jacket.

I had a handwritten letter from one client saying it had changed her life. Other clients have also said that the experience has transformed their life.

It has taken me a long time to have the confidence to recognise the power of the transformation I can offer people.

It’s been great speaking with you Emma. Thank you for your contribution to The HSP Revolution.

Thank you, and I hope we can hit the pre-loved shops together soon!

Emma’s puppy Coco

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