As an HSP, let your body be your guide
When planning your social life this year, your nervous system can help you make nourishing choices
Like many Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), I’ve spent years experimenting with different techniques to help me feel safe in my own body. From yoga and meditation, to chanting and breathwork (and plenty more besides), I’ve found different things have helped in different ways at different times. But it’s only been relatively recently that I’ve realised that all this individual effort could only ever be part of the answer.
Ultimately, our relationships — whether they be with family, friends, colleagues or lovers — are likely to have a bigger moment-by-moment impact on our inner state than any amount of back bends or deep breathing. And with a little conscious effort, we can choose connections that help us to “co-regulate” — meaning that our brains, nervous systems and physiology are working in harmony with another person to establish a sense of safety and well-being. Consciously cultivating co-regulation can work wonders for our own sense of balance and confidence. But we won’t necessarily get there by listening to what our mind is telling us about who we “should” be spending time with. If we want to prioritise the connections that nurture us the most, we need to tune in to how we feel in our bodies.
An “aha” moment
My breakthrough in this area came after discovering the work of Stephen W. Porges, a researcher at Indiana University Bloomington. Porges is best known for developing his “polyvagal theory” about the role of the vagus nerve — the giant nerve which meanders from the base of the skull to the gut — in regulating our emotions. This theory has been hugely influential in shaping new trauma treatments. For me, studying Porges was an “aha” moment in my struggle to self-regulate as an HSP.
Put very simply, Porges argues that the fundamental purpose of relationships is to help us co-regulate. As babies and children, we were reliant on our caregivers to help us learn to manage our big feelings (think of a mother soothing a toddler in the middle of a playground tantrum). But that process doesn’t stop in childhood: We rely on co-regulation with other people throughout our entire lives.
In his book Healing Collective Trauma, Thomas Hübl, the contemporary spiritual teacher, gives a vivid example of co-regulation in action by asking the reader to imagine what happens on a plane hitting rough turbulence:
“Passengers sitting near you who may have not spoken beforehand probably looked around, quickly gauging one another’s fear level and smiling nervously, sighing together in relief when the turbulence passed.” — Thomas Hübl, Healing Collective Trauma
A less dramatic version occurs every time we meet somebody — our nervous systems are constantly scanning for cues that will tell us whether we are safe, or whether we need to be on our guard. Porges calls this process “neuroception” — and it takes place below the level of our conscious awareness. That’s why it’s so important to pay extra attention to the subtle cues our body is feeding us about how we feel around a particular person. Unless we slow down enough to really tune in, we might miss a warning sign — or a chance to connect at a deeper level.
Face and voice
One of the aspects of Porges’ work I found most fascinating was his emphasis on how much is revealed by their facial muscles — particularly around the eyes and mouth. Promising candidates for co-regulation will be those who “beam and gleam” (to use Porges’ wonderful phrase) — we can literally read their authenticity on their face. The converse also holds true: People who leave us feeling jangled or off balance tend to have tense or blank faces. Once you’ve noticed this once, you start to see it everywhere, in my experience.
Likewise, Porges also emphasizes the importance of “prosody” — or the pattern and rhythm of a person’s voice. Our nervous systems will tend to feel safer when exposed to more melodic, engaging tones — which our brains read as safety cues. Since learning this, I’ve noticed how often I’ve encountered people with high-conflict personality styles whose voices are also notably grating, or lacking in harmony.
Porges also notes the dangers in over-reliance on phones or screens. There’s no doubt that using our devices to stay in touch can help us co-regulate to some extent — but Porges says there’s no substitute for the depth of engagement in our bodies and brains when we interact in person:
“Most adults are regulating on a phone or screen. But with the phone, we took the voice from the face. With the texting, we took the words from the voice. So we kept removing more and more of the cues our bodies need to socially regulate.” — Stephen W. Porges
As HSPs, the more we pay attention to these kinds of cues, and what our bodies are telling us, the more information we’ll have to inform our decisions about the relationships we want to cultivate — and those we want to let go.
January HSP check-in
This year, I’ve decided to start offering a monthly HSP check-in video — which I hope will provide a source of support for our community. In this edition, I speak about the importance of taking time to pause and reflect as we begin 2022; sitting with uncertainty; and strengthening the relationships that support us.
And thank you, as ever, for the rich comments in response to last week’s newsletter — I’d love to hear how you approach co-regulation and the themes raised in the January check-in video, so please do drop some thoughts in the comments below!
Until next week,
